#i.... need to find better coping mechanisms
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having a breakdown because I got positive feedback is probably a sign that I need to reconsider getting professional help for my imposter syndrome
#to delete#getting too real before bed.#realizing that no amount of positive feedback will fix how horrible i feel about myself#literally I will never be comfortable i just need to find better coping mechanisms for my discomfort
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one day you're 14 and depressed in high school with very few friends using haikyuu!! as an emotional crutch to get through each week and then next you're 23 and happy and thriving with tickets reserved to watch the haikyuu!! battle of the dumpster movie with the friends you made in college
#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! battle of the dumpster#just needed to let this one out here on ye olde tumblr#all i'm saying is that it gets better guys :>#you WILL find friends in the same silly fandom as you#and media is a great coping mechanism lol#BUT AHH I'M SO EXCITED#tickets are paid for and reserved and i have an outfit in mind#AND GOING WITH FRIENDS WE'RE GONNA CRY SO MUCH
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Sometimes I think of Amy Pond, who grew up being called mad by those who wielded the word as a tool of exclusion and shame —
Amy Pond, who though forced into the hands of four psychiatrists, still clung to that which they called madness until those systems which elevate psychosocial conformity above humanity stripped it from her —
Amy Pond, whose imaginary friend reappeared for a single hour after twelve years and reignited that faith before disappearing for two more years —
Amy Pond, who spent those those two years under the same implicit threat ingrained in her through psychiatric violence, and thus began to believe the man who stopped the invasion was “just a madman with a box,” only for him to agree, and to also call her “mad, impossible Amy Pond,” reframing madness as non-negative for the first time in her life —
Amy Pond, who ignored the disembodied voice of her imaginary friend even as she ran away with him for real, who still lived each day with the traumatic internalization of deviancy dictated upon her by the psychiatric-industrial complex that shaped her from childhood —
Amy Pond, who wouldn't acknowledge the Doctor's voice, such that it took an Angel in her eye that was literally killing her to ensure she couldn't reality check herself —
Amy Pond, who stood before a room which muttered about “the psychiatrists we brought her to,” and though afraid, escaped their rigid parameters of acceptable existence.
#I like seeing it as indicating she began hearing his voice when he was gone for all those years! why else wouldn't she say anything?#actually psychotic Amy agenda#Amy Pond#eleventh doctor#reclaimed language#oh look its another antipsychiatry themed doctor who post#sumn abt in Fairies At The Bottom Of The Garden audio AND Imaginary Enemies comic we see Amelia bein called slurs against psychotic people#(shes called psycho in both)#like!!! and SO MUCH OF AMYS STORY is about her claiming her agency in ways that previous companions weren't allowed to-#companions whose status as a Wife was a signifier of an to end of their value individually- 'this is no place for a married woman' etc#in some cases Wife-ness forced upon them *as* a denial of agency 'I spent all that time trying to find you I'm not going back now!' etc#whereas Amys story deconstructs that; Amys “Choice” is an illusion- Amy being a Wife doesn't demote her agency as an companion#anyways I love that aspect of reclaimed agency for Amy but ALSO#“madness” as an expression of agency against systems of oppression is SO relevant. the mind defends itself and the alternative isnt better#the oppressive system in this case being ableist structures and the psychiatric system ITSELF which is a whole other layer#the moral being that even if the Doctor WAS a delusion? he'd still be a needed coping mechanism for a child who says “ppl always leave”#and instead of examining her feelings of abandonment they insist 'aLiENs DoNt ExIsT' as seen in the 'sTaRs DoNt ExIsT' psychiatrist in TBB#they don't care that she's in PAIN- why would they?- they just care that she's 'abnormal' and therefore not deserving of humanity#(eleventh) doctor is neurodivergent tag#I mean technically this is about Amy but I once (twice) used that tag on the post about the Master. its the spirit of it!#and Amy Pond + her Raggedy Doctor as “mad” people is very *chefs kiss*#((you know what im putting the tag on my last Amy post :D ))#Mels experienced this very differently and I'll make a post about her at some point- I just wanna make sure my points are got across better#sumn abt Amelia's “crazy” was Mels' “delinquency.” Amy treated as if she doesn't know her own life while Mels treated as threatening#sumn abt adultification of Black girls while Amy is infantilized#Amy Pond who could rewrite reality in a reborn universe because she grew up with a Crack in her wall that no one believed was special —#ableism#saneism#unreality#because I mean Amy's stand against psychiatric dehumanization was to REWRITE THE UNIVERSE with her Crack powers
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good morning. thinking again of juve and her dog
#oreste garifalle save me. save me oreste garifalle (he cannot even save himself)#i just.. man its so over. by the time they encounter each other juve is the worst shes ever been & oreste doesnt yet know he could be better#so. sure. juve needs to gather the pieces of herself back up and double down on her coping mechanisms but not thinking at all about whats#happened to her/how she was affected by it and by instead fixating on someone elses problems. she needs to offer drive and direction to#another in order to feel more in control of herself#and luckily for her unluckily for himself. by the time she finds him. oreste is only Just stumbling out of a gothic pseudoincest nightmare#in which all of his own wants and desires have been very deliberately placed on a shelf higher than he can reach and hes all too eager#to accidentally replicate previous dynamics (dog) with someone new#so. tldr. juve needs to control/'fix' someone and oreste as of yet only knows how to be controlled/molded in anothers image#which would already be so bad except to top it off. juve is steadily fucking losing it. due to the repression crimes#and even as she tries to distance herself from the emotional aftermath of what she went through. it bleeds into the way she treats oreste#instead. like.#her base level dehumanization of him would already be bad but. as is. in the way it finds her.#juve completely lacks the finesse or grace or awareness to approach it as she normally would#so she instead traps them both in this horrible codependent situation where her 'fixing' oreste mostly involves her going oh! i know!#your problem is that youre not in touch with your anger right? you should be angry about what those guys did to you but youre not rigjt??#so!! easy fix!! lets just get you angry!!!#<- girl who is not entirely wrong but has also never processed any of her own anger a day in her life and Will be projecting#<- girl who will treat you both as a metaphor/extension of herself but Also as a recreation of the previous dynamic she was in with an#excessively angry individual#<- girl who decides the best way to put you in touch with your anger again is by. repeatedly triggering you until you protest#essentially bending your finger back and waiting to see which will come first. you letting it break or begging her to stop#and oreste is always too deeply traumatized and overwhelmed to do anything but let it break. so.#notnow#juve mizani#oreste garifalle#one of my favorite scenes i have planned for them is her making oreste relay what his abuser (kai) looked like. in detail.#as a skinshifter herself.#you see where this is going.#you should send me asks about them btw. if you want. also if you dont
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Soooooo I wrote this incredibly self-indulgent thing about Miles. I have many feelings about how he keeps himself so tightly in control. It's gotta go somewhere.
Disclaimer it's quite dark, so mind the trigger warning and keep yourself safe <3
TW: self-harm, not what I would consider graphic descriptions, but it is the central theme and way more than a mention
The lock clicks. He slips his suit jacket off. Loosens then removes his tie. Untucked, buttons undone. It’s all laid out on the bed. Step by step. Shoes set to the side and trousers swapped for silken pajama pants.
The bathroom door closes behind him. The second lock between him and the world. The shower comes on. Towel laid out on the counter.
His drawer, second down on the left. He pulls out the small black bag. Gold zipper. Supple leather. Inside, his collection. Three packs of new razor blades. An open pack of blades; used ones tucked into the back. A single hypodermic needle. A crafting knife. Two unopened band aids.
The rest of the drawer’s contents is ignored, antiseptic and suture kits, butterfly closures and rolls of gauze, in favor of practiced hands sliding the tin of blades from the bag and the blade from the tin.
He sits on the toilet, lid down. Elbow straight. Fist clenched. The first slice with a small inhale. Bright and sharp and stinging. Familiar and comforting. Line after line as red blooms from the wounds. The ecstasy second only to the Kiss. Rivulets follow gravity down. Strategically placed tissues catch the mess.
Stained crimson, they fall into the waste basket. He flexes his wrist, testing the pull of the broken skin, blots the last of the blood away. Blade inspected and stowed; everything returned to it’s place. Pajamas folded on top of the toilet, he steps into the shower.
#path of night podcast#my fic#*clenches fist* i WILL get better about sharing my writing#but yes many many thoughts about how he regulates himself emotionally and the toll that keeping himself in check takes#i dont have actual like coherent thoughts otherwise i would have written more lmao#but i always gotta have some character to slap the self-harm headcanon onto and unfortunately for miles he is The Chosen One this go around#i would imagine hes very methodical and ritualistic about it and finds it very centering and grounding and cathartic but also#tips right into that edge where he NEEDS it and its becoming a coping mechanism he doesn't really have a replacement for when push comes to#shove and how does he cope when this thing that supposedly gives him control leads him to being more out of control v juicy thoughts for me#if i actually bothered to write anything substantial i would probably post it to ao3 but for 250 words im not sure its worth it lmao#i feel like my tenses are all over the place too but im just going to live with it!!!!!!!!!#i also have many many thoughts about how marcos is involved and complicit spoiler hes the one who put all those medical supplies#in the bathroom just in case miles ever needed them#and the blood bond only complicates things
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Having ADHD combined with maladaptive daydreaming is the worst because I'll just be sitting in class and the teacher calls on me for a question but then gets concerned because I don't hear her and I also look like this
#its involuntary as well which is the worst part#literally i focused so hard on trying to not zone out that i zoned out and had the weird creepy pomni look#like my eyes get so wide as well and i can stare for like 5 minutes without blinking before remembering i need to blink#i feel so bad bcuz i stared at a kid for a solid 2 minutes and i mistve freaked him out#i also freeze and become super stiff and my breathing just kinda stiffs as well#happens a lot when im bored and dont have access to music my phone or sketchbook#so most commonly appears in english class or seminar cuz i fucking hate those classes#like theyre so boring and the an hour and a half long#i need to find better coping mechanisms please give me them/srs#adhd#maladaptive daydreaming#daydreaming#immersive daydreaming#zoning out
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"If you check out of politics you never really cared-" okay i felt the world was ending and wanted to off myself like once to ten times a week because of the news in '17-'20 and had dreams once a week/month about about gun violence but yeah okay okay
#i am not stopping keeping up to date about most things#i still read a lot#but also i need to find a better coping mechanism this time#also maybe write a form letter to just send out or something#i think people don't understand how it is amazing depression didn't end me in those years#anyway someone's reblog of a post set me off
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it’s been about four hours since I last played baldur’s gate 3, and the withdrawals have already begun
#i know i need to find a better coping mechanism this holiday season#but like#do i reallyyyy#shitpost#this is so stupid even for me
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I need to hard reset my brain 😭
#well I need a hard reset on life too but I can’t do that so it’s just finding better coping mechanisms#my posts
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october is coming. which means, of course, that it is time for the horrors. tfw the dream self must confront the Nightmare Self
#body horror //#homestuck#YES i am invoking tarot symbolism and YES i have reasons for choosing the cards i did and YES i AM just making things up as i go. im normal#symbolism runthrough real quick. consider this an Artist's Statement of sorts.#The Tower: ambition built on a flawed premise. guy who always thinks he knows better than you in dire need of a wakeup call#strength: the journey of the self vis a vis finding the courage to act & tapping into latent potential that always existed#& simply needed to be accessed. note: dirk in this card is brain ghost dirk specifically.#(an illusion constructed by jake because he didn't believe in his own repressed abilities - drawn here as The Horrors.)#the devil: you are maybe not the CAUSE of all of your problems but DAMN you are making them worse for yourself.#this card is SO heavy on unhealthy coping mechanisms. symbolism here - very literally holding self down#sure it feels comforting in the moment but eventually you are going to drown.#the chariot: this one's not super clear visually but i do have a method to my madness#the chariot is the card of willpower; control; forward motion; resolution.#by the same token i think it is also a card about being really really stubborn - blinded by a goal.#holding onto the reins and refusing to let go even when holding them hurts you & others around you.#honestly i think some of the minor arcana fit better for a few of these cards but i wanted to stick w majors#for the sake of Icon Recognition i guess.#anyway [putting the alpha gang in the Narrative Wiggler to work through their problems]#they are going to the Dream Realm to meet their weirdest selves (and friends) in combat. unless...?#(it was never about fighting it was about healing. SYMBOLISM)
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Just remembered why I never eat. Damn
#i always feel full/have no appetite#i forgot about this because i wasn't eating enough for that so i was always hungry#but now that I'm eating a little more normally I'm back to not being able to tell the differences between full (perfectly healthy sign to st#op eating) and lack of appetite (i should still eat...#my meals are getting smaller as a coping mechanism#like when we get takeout I'll get less food so that i can eat it all without worrying about feeling gross#unintented consequence of that - I've discovered that i much prefer my burgers lettuce wrapped#i need to find a better way to eat them though. way too messy for me#it's stressful with those especially and other similar foods because i feel like i can't put it down. a literally version of having to eat i#t all in one sitting. things that are messy enough (by my standards) that once i pick them up i can't put them back down i have to eat them#puts a damper on my preferred method of grazing#i really like one pot meals... put some shit in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. that's nice#finn says shit#arfid
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they say that "time heals all wounds" but i honestly think that upping my anti-depressants has done more for me
#.jokes#hashtag comedy#ok but actually. upping my dosage has rocked my world this last week#i hope this continues!!!!!!!#today is The Day im Feeling It#still a very tired busy guy but at least im not explodingexplodingexploding#also on a serious note. time just passes. it passes no matter what. time is not a remedy to trauma#time will go on but you may get stuck on loop. therapy. unpacking what happened to you. finding coping mechanisms that#work for you. medication maybe. these r things that help#the pain still exists. and it can be just as strong depending on the trauma. but hopefully the time between incidents/episodes lessens#fill the space where u feel capable and free with love laughter joy. fill it with little tasks that set you up to have a better time when#things r feeling bad again#sometimes ill do smth as small as writing out a phone number i need to call in the morning Just to cut out the step of googling it in the#morning. bc in the morning The Phone Call may seem monumental and impossible. but a lil bit less so if everything i need (#the number & what i wanna say) are written out before me#also also. last thing. the beginning of this is to be read exactly how the person in ''it could take 5 or 6 stores or just 1'' says it#thank u.#.txt#maria is literally just rambling. hi#personal#yes this ok to reblog. its meant to make u snort#mental health#/pos#silly hour!
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Every time someone uses last sunrise to talk about how much they hate shinobu I want to get out a spray bottle and repeatedly use it on them. Like no actually this fic is just as much a love letter to shinobu as it was to renkaza this is not a place for ppl who hate her this is a place where we come to discuss and understand her better
#I didn’t write shinobu the way I did in the fic because I hate her#(which anyone who knows me knows I obviously don’t hate her anyways)#I also didn’t write her that way for the sake of making her a ‘villain’#the point was to push her character to the extreme and eventually break her and her intensively created mask in a highly specific way#it was to highlight her particular traumas and coping mechanisms#it was to better EXPLORE her#what she did to kyojuro was just as much about her own character development as his#I didn’t have her suicide attempt be thwarted in the last chapter specifically to torture her by making her live#(though it is true that part of her ‘punishment’ was being forced to live with the guilt and consequences of her actions)#Kyojuro stopped her suicide in that chapter because she needed to find peace and a happy ending whilst still being alive#just as much as kyojuro did#like that was the point. the point was that they both practically drove each other towards suicide#and they both needed to pick up the pieces and learn to live with everything they did/everything they went to#shinobu tortured kyojuro to the point of him wanting to die#and kyojuro tortured shinobu to the point of wanting to die#they BOTH had to live after that#IT WAS NEVER ABOUT HATING SHINOBU#not for kyojuro and not for the reader!!!!!!!!#I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again#ITS NOT A FIC FOR PPL WHO HATE SHINOBU#kaz rambles
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im allowed to be pissed off right.
#woke up from a pissed off sleep just to be fucking tested again.#we have one type of dairy free ice cream stick and its the only one i eat#on account of being the only lactose intolerant person here. for some reason it only comes in threes#instead of like. a standard 4. anyway im not eating the other ice cream cos that's other peoples#i cant even finish this i feel like im going to start screaming but i cant get pissed off because i cant drink its exercise day.#the point is im just stuck wishing someone would drop dead faster because i Said thats the only one i can eat#and they go well i dont want to eat the other ones cos theyre too sweet. ok then dont fucking eat any of them?????#like do you just think ur immune to resentment???????????#this isnt oh they ate it specifically while i wasnt there this was they said Oh im gonna eat this#i Say no dont thats the only one i can eat.#and they eat it anyway. can you just kys already.#cant smoke because i didnt buy them specifically because i knew this might happen. i know the answer is#find better anger coping mechanisms but rn i jusf need to punch drywall lmao.
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have accepted I will be in this low-key anxiety state until Friday. not fun but just gotta roll with it 💪
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didn't even get to do my ironing :-(
#tw self harm#i was looking forward to it.. i usually find it calming n a nice way to end a weekend#but kept having thoughts abt intentionally burning myself or hitting myself with the iron so im leaving it for another day#its fine if my clothes are a bit crumpled at work anyway. i think i have some extra stuff i ironed i didnt wear last week too#im safe btw its fine ive been using ice + gentle pressure on my skin to take the edge off (i keep my nails too short to scratch dw)#if i did have to cut it wouldnt be ideal but its a neutral act i try not to judge it. but ik its less safe + i dont want it to become#a habit again bc i already let myself do it last weekend and im still a bit frustrated abt it bc id been managing so well#and it was the first time since january. and before then i hadnt since august which is a really big deal for me!#bc last year + year before i was really struggling with reliance on it. i had months where i was doing it daily or every other day#and its hardest to stop when its habitual. once on occasion is much more manageable so lets keep it that way#one day itll be the last time i ever do it and ill be clean the rest of my life but i dont think im near that yet#it feels kind of uncomfortable to type this out but i want to stop keeping my thoughts on s/h in my head bc i get weird abt it#and the last thing i need right now is to get weird abt harming urges again. and i dont think my friends are safe to talk to abt it#so talking on here is the closest thing i have to being open abt it. im tired of it being so stigmatised#ultimately its just a coping mechanism. even if it can be unsafe but like drinking or smoking or whatever to feel better is no safer so#but still i dont want to encourage it. anyway#at least ive calmed down a bit now. and i finished some admin i was putting off earlier#and now i need to sleep bc work tomorrow. just glad the weekend is over its so much easier to cope on work days#just the structure and distraction of it innit. we'll get through this week#and im back on the more stable dose again for meds this week as well so hopefully thatll help#and i think my periods due which has probably been tipping these mood swings over into intolerable#so hopefully thatll start tomorrow or tues and the hormonal shit will recede 🙏#all good. okay im gonna meditate a little and then sleep goodnight 😴#.diaries
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